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Vantif
Today has me a bit lethargic, I contribute this to an over-abundance of sleep. Which seems rather ironic considering my sleeping issues as of late.

I should get the results of my scans and blood work tomorrow as I meet with my oncologist, this has me feeling anxious today, can feel the proverbial butterfly's in the stomach, I prey that all is well, a reoccurance is the last thing I need in my life at the moment.

Tomorrow marks the end of a really tough quarter at school, although I have two final's to study for, I am glad it is coming to an end, an looking forward to a bit of free time.

I've done a great deal of thinking of my future as of late, depressing at moments, yet hopeful at the same time. Odd how both these feelings can come upon you simultaneously. After my labs and CT scans last week, I saw something that had alwasy been apparent, but yet I was alwasy too emotional in the moment to see the compasion and thoughtfulness of the men and women who work in the medical industry; you can see the feeling, the caring and the will to prevail in their face and in their eyes, it's very comforting to see such dedication. I have thought about this in relation to my own situation and despretely wish to feel the same.

This weekend has had me a bit depressed, was going to hang out with some friends this past weekend, but they had cancelled for unknown reasons, the though has me wondering if things are ok.

I do look forward to the coming week, a bit of time to relax perhaps, the thought of relaxation is even relaxing. Strange how the anticipation of something good can sooth and heal and bring peace to ones day. Perhaps that is a key get through the stressfull days, concentrate on the happy moments.

Current Mood: nervous nervous

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Strange, been having some pains in my abdomen lately down to my leg, thoughts of recurring cancer have scared me. My last check up I blew off a year ago amist a busy day. I scheduled an appointment for next Wednesday to have some blood drawn, chest x-rays and CT scan done, and a check up with my oncologist the following week. It's been on my mind for quite sometime, I should have got it done sometime ago. I believe it's most likely nerve damage during the initial surguries, but it's still enough to put me on guard.

Strange, even with this on my mind and lack of sleep, I feel pretty good today and i really dont know why. At this point I'm not going to question it, it seems so rare these days that I am happy, just going to enjoy it while it lasts. Some friends at work have made me laugh and the workload seems not to stressfull at the moment. I look forward to the weekend, where I can kick back and relax with some wine, a nice dinner and some eq.

A cousin of mine who I had not seen in 15+ years moved with this family up to washington.  We had dinner, it was nice. It will be nice to get to know him, perhaps have some similar interests in hiking and whatnot. It will be nice to have some family up here, I have alwasy felt bad as I never really got to know my family having been so distant, it's alwasy been pretty lonely up here.

School quarter almost over with, in may respects I'm glad, this has been a hellish quarter, no time for anything...not even sleep. Will be nice to take a break even if I only get 1.5 weeks before the next quarter begins. At this point will take anything I can get.

For some reason I still have recurring thoughts of going to Lake Chelan, I dont know why its on my mind. It is beautiful with its great views and wine country, perhaps it's a preminition of a future weekend getaway.

Note to self, no more Jet City Pizza, bad stomach cramps.

Current Mood: amused amused

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Had a decent weekend, played some eq on Friday night and Saturday night, was nice to kick back and relax, something about wine and eq just makes for a nice evening. Seems its been sometime since I have been able to do that, although I did not get much sleep still, for some reason I just can not sleep, starting to wonder if something else is wrong with me. I've started to notice and pay attention to the commercials about sleep aiding perscription drugs, never thought myself ever needing such things, but perhaps I do. I layed down to sleep on Sunday night about 9pm, thought perhaps I would go to bed early and wake nice and rested, no such luck, still ended up falling asleep around 2 am, then woke ever hour on the hour till I had to wake up for work, this seems to be a recurring pattern. Been wondering what could be causing this, I seem to be eating properly, very little caffine if any, hardly any sugars, I'm just puzzled.  It's bean sometime since I have actually had a dream (or nightmare for that matter), realizing my sleeping patters I am beginning to understand why, I can not get into REM sleep. Perhaps when this school quarter is over I can have a nice full night of sleep, perhaps dream again.

It's starting to feel warmer each day, which is thankful, I like the snow, but it gets old after awhile especially when it's no longer powder, but hard ice and slush. Mostly it chills you down to the bone. Will be nice to have some heat. I am thinking I miss the mountains, perhaps when it gets warmer I will take a drive east through the pass, maybe drive to Lake Chelan for the day.

Rather like this journal idea, it's nice to put my thougts down, although I'm not sure any of this crap makes sense to me, perhaps time will tell.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Hmm what to say, suppose I will just ramble on. Many snow days here has caused my school to condense it's curriculum and time tables, making it a complete bitch for me. I have major exams EVEY week, coupled with full time work and homework, I have not slept much. My neighbors in the apartment complex I live in are all disrespectfull a-holes, they usually don't go to sleep until 1-2am making any possibility of sleep for me almost non-existant. I suppose the lack of sleep as also effected my mood and mental state. I miss my friends and hanging out and enjoying life (or trying my best to), don't think I've been so depressed for some time. It's strange I'm not sleeping, eating much or doing anything other than trying to keep my head above the proverbial waters, yes, I admit some is related to my own poor study habits, but I'm working to improve.

Today is going decently well I suppose, kinda slow at work this past week, which has been good for me as I have been using my time to study. I'm just waiting for my boss to turn the corner of my cube and see me calculating away at the molar mass of a methane molecule or ploting a graph of a logarithmic function. I almost expect to get fired, which in some ways would be a blessing and a curse. It's a double edged sword, they help pay for my education (as long as they think I'm going for a business degree) and supply me with the means to live, but, the stress from this job, dealing with complete idiots is really grating on my patients. Apparently people think I represent every aspect of this company's business. I work in planning, as if I'm going to know why the emial server main-frame is down, WTF. /sigh. This job has made me realize what I hate and love in a job. I know I dont want to be stuck in cubicle hell for the rest of my life, these places drive me crazy (not far from that now).

Need to finish this up, just realized I need to head to uni today for my calc exam....this is going to suck. I feel somewhat prepared, but math does not come easy for me, never has. Perhaps when today is over, I can finally relax a bit.

Current Mood: depressed depressed

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